I often wonder how any of us actually manage to make it through a single day never mind a life time. The very act of living is an extremely stressful event. It’s no wonder so many of us like to hole up and binge watch the next thing on Netflix. I do it. I’ve done it. Distracting myself from the fact that I am alive seems to be something I do instinctively.
If I really started to examine my life… despite any beliefs regarding how I came to be here or if anyone put me here… I realize that I am extremely awkward. I am an over-thinker and I make other people feel uncomfortable because of my awkwardness.
Here’s one thing I thought was true:
I am of the opinion that if I am going to be friends with someone there is an unconscious acceptance that I am going to want to know a little about you.
Not everyone is of that opinion.
So, in the vaguest sense of life purposes… why are there other people here if we aren’t supposed to interact with them?
If I was dropped off on this planet, looked around and saw all kinds of people, I’d naturally assume they were a community of sorts. Interacting. Working together. A team perhaps.
But the truth is more like… if someone is crying on a bench and I ask what’s wrong, I am the creepy one. I am the one interacting on an emotional level.
Not everyone will respond this way, but I interact out of the blue often with people in the kindest way I can and I get shot down more often than thanked.
(I know it’s none of my business, I just feel the need to help someone that’s hurting. I am not trying to be anything other than as loving and helpful as I can in that situation.)
It is because of that bullshit that I am an introvert. However, I am not rude and I do appreciate a good one on one conversation. I will not be offended if you ask me what’s wrong if I am crying on a bench. I may not tell you, but I won’t be offended.
Regardless, there is no doubt in my mind that people do not wish to be known on a deeper level no matter WHAT movies tell you. If you do things like the movies do them… you will end up in jail.
Interacting with people is one of those things in life you just can’t look at too deeply. If you do you start to feel isolated and freaked out.
I am a gutsy chick and to be honest if I know you and I can sense that something is up, I am going to call you out on it. I am going to drag it from inside of you, look at it and work it through with you. It’s just how it is with me. I cannot talk about TV, movies or things like that for long. As I said, I do binge watch. I binge watch one series a year. That’s it. I have a huge queue of shows that people have thrown at me and told me, “ERMERGERD you have to watch this!” It seems like I am giving up a lot of living time to watch someone else achieve their dreams.
So, as you can probably tell, I don’t have a lot of friends. I don’t have a lot of enemies either. But I’d bet my bottom dollar there is a huge portion of people that are aware of me that think, “Lisa Nicole? She’s pretty weird, but a nice girl.” Not a lot of reaching out on their end.
I am an entertainer. Which is one of those things that I can’t examine too closely.
How can I be an introvert and an entertainer?
I know you are asking that, so I figure I may as well answer it.
It’s actually pretty easy. When I entertain, I am in total control of what is going on. I am dishing out the laughs, singing the songs and doing all the talking. The audience is there to be entertained and I am fulfilling a purpose by doing it.
When I am talking to people and interacting? Well, that’s a different can of worms altogether. I don’t talk about what other people talk about, nor do I even understand why they want to talk about it. When I try to understand, I can press buttons and suddenly I am dealing with a crisis situation.
I don’t know how to “be” in real life. I am twitchy and awkward and I never know what to say. I love to be the listener. Thankfully all of my most cherished friends are talkers. They have the ability to talk about deep and interesting things. So interesting, that I can find myself doing a lot of the talking too. Working things out, becoming better people. These are all important things for me to have in my friends.
I also find it doesn’t matter what my core beliefs are, anxiety is a part of life. Agnostic, atheist, religious or faithful, anxiety weaves its way through all of us.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand why we don’t focus on the attributes we share instead of the differences. There is a base line we could all follow and just kinda get along. This is another part of life that causes anxiety. I am willing, oh so very willing, to just get along with everyone. I’ll let you do your thing, you let me do mine and we’ll meet along the way if we can. Or we don’t! It’s OK! Just stop causing harm. Our compliance is not worth it. We all belong here, it’s why we’re here.
I am starting to believe there is no longer room for country patriotism. We are far too aware of what happens in the world around us. I have friends all over the world. What country they live in is insignificant. We follow that base line I mentioned earlier. I used to think that being Canadian was the best! WOOT! EH! But the truth is, all people everywhere are amazing. There is no reason to favour one piece of land over another. I am starting to think like a World Citizen.
It also baffles me that people don’t embrace different cultures… but that’s a different rant for a different day.
I’d settle for all of us just ignoring the people we don’t like.
Think of it like a game. The first person that lashes out, loses.