Not Being Drunk

I am not a drinker. In fact, when I am at a party or a dinner and I see people drinking and laughing all I think is… I am glad I am not drinking.

It is very amusing to be the only sober person at a party full of drunk people. There are about 5 etiquette requirements in order to get along with inebriated people:

First, you must laugh at all of their jokes… because everything is sooooo funny. I personally don’t understand why the fact that their mother in law and their postal delivery guy look the same is so damn funny… but I’ll laugh anyway. Just to keep the flow going.

Second, you have to be cool with being a standing post.  Drunk people love to hang off of stuff. Doesn’t matter if you are big or tiny, a drunk person will assume you have the stability of David carved in stone and drape themselves over you telling you how drunk they are.

Third, you have to pretend you believe them when they say. “I’m not that drunk”. Of course they aren’t…….

Fourth, you have to pretend you are heartbroken that you can’t get drunk with them. People don’t like to drink alone and there is nothing more horrifying to them than a sober person. The only logic that works is lamenting that you can’t drink for whatever your reason is. Then they put their arm around you in sympathy and say, “More for me!”

Fifth – you are always the one a drunk person goes to and says, “hold my beer…” – and this is a curious position to be in. You realize something stupid is about to take place and you have the sobriety to stop it… but do you really want to? Sometimes… yes. When buddy says, “Hold my beer, I bet I can jump from the roof to the pool.” you pull the sober card and keep him on the ground. But what if he decides he wants to do burgers… and you wouldn’t mind having burgers at that moment? I’ll hold his beer, no problem.

It’s actually quite fun to be the sober person at the party.  Especially the next day, when you see everyone dragging themselves up from their spots on the floor and heading straight to kitchen to empty the brita filter jug. 🙂