(Thanks Terminator For The Title Quote!)
In this moment I completely understand exactly what that means. I am embarking on a new project and it scares the absolute crap out of me.
In this moment I am a simple statistic in being afraid to achieve. I have imposter syndrome, I am a fake, a phony and inside my heart I know that’s not true… but for some reason I feel stupid thinking otherwise.
Who am I to think those things and then… of course I can do those things!
I am torn between both. I feel up to the challenge but incapable of doing it. I feel ready to take on the world and ready to get off it at the same time.
In all of that failure looms as the inevitable outcome of not trying.
And I go through this every time I try something new. Every time I step up to the plate, bat in hand, ready to knock one out of the park. My knees start knocking and I begin feeling like the biggest fool on the face of the earth.
I know it’s fear and I am not really sure exactly what it is I am afraid of, but it’s definitely a large looming fear that prevents progression. I have overcome it often in the past.
So, why the heck is it so hard for me to do it now?
I DON’T KNOW! I don’t have any idea what that fear is.
I guess… but I get up and sing for a living and even though I am a wreck every time I get on stage, I do fine!
This knowledge is not enough to get past this next project. But then again… I have never tried something quite as crazy as this.
But! I look at all of the people that have become magnificent. I know they didn’t just spring out of a box that way. They must have overcome the fears and insecurities that I feel plagued with at this moment. Trying to achieve something bizarrely fantastic and wondering what the heck they were doing each step of the way.
I guess there really isn’t an answer to this one. Perseverance is the only possible way to make something happen. Mistakes and all of that. I know that. I see that.
Is that what I am afraid of? That I will try and try and try and NOT persevere? I know that has to be a possibility. Why does that burrow its way into my psyche? Why doesn’t the idea that it COULD be, lock itself in.
How do I beat that?
Well, if I figure it out… I’ll write a follow up to this.